President Snow's New Torture Methods
by Eaglistic
Summary: Snow has a problem. How will he deal with Peeta? He looks to Old Earth for answers. And Peeta will face the worst things Old Earth has to offer... T for Justin Beiber. Simple as. Snow is OOC, sort of, in a humorous way.
1. 10:Friday

_**President Snow's Torture Methods.**_

**A/N: Peeta is one of my favourite characters, but nobody else gets tortured, so I have to use him:(. If you will be upset by Peeta meeting the greatest horrors mankind has created, then don't read on. Let the Games begin!**

President Snow was deep in thought. What could he use to torture that goddamned baker? He turned to a technician.

"What torture devices have been retrieved from the ancient times?" he demanded.

The technician tapped at the computer. He showed the results to Snow, who gave his pathetic evil smile.

"Right, let's see if Peeta Mellark can survive this one," he laughed.

**10: Friday**

Peeta sat in the chair, strapped to it. A bleeding edge sound system surrounded him. There was no-one near him for a hundred metres. The system started. A horrible wail emitted from it. Peeta paled.

"Yeah, Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ark

Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah

Yeah-ah-ah

Yeah-ah-ah

Yeah-ah-ah

Yeah-ah-ah

Yeah, yeah, yeah."

The first horrific noise stopped. Peeta sighed in relief. Then it started again

"Seven a.m., waking up in the morning

Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs

Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal

Seein' everything, the time is goin'

Tickin' on and on, everybody's rushin'

Gotta get down to the bus stop

Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends (My friends)

Kickin' in the front seat

Sittin' in the back seat

Gotta make my mind up

Which seat can I take?"

Peeta thrashed around, trying to escape.

"It's Friday, Friday

Gotta get down on Friday

Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend

Friday, Friday

Gettin' down on Friday

Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend."

A horrible scream emanated from Peeta's mouth.

"Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)

Fun, fun, fun, fun

Lookin' forward to the weekend

7:45, we're drivin' on the highway

Cruisin' so fast, I want time to fly

Fun, fun, think about fun

You know what it is

I got this, you got this

My friend is by my right, ay

I got this, you got this

Now you know it."

"NOOOO!" Peeta yelled.

"Kickin' in the front seat

Sittin' in the back seat

Gotta make my mind up

Which seat can I take?

It's Friday, Friday

Gotta get down on Friday

Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend

Friday, Friday

Gettin' down on Friday

Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)

Fun, fun, fun, fun

Lookin' forward to the weekend."

Peeta tried to slip into unconsciousness. He couldn't, the special Electro-Shock chair keeping him awake.

"Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday

Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin')

We-we-we so excited

We so excited

We gonna have a ball today

Tomorrow is Saturday

And Sunday comes after ... wards

I don't want this weekend to end

R-B, Rebecca Black

So chillin' in the front seat (In the front seat)

In the back seat (In the back seat)

I'm drivin', cruisin' (Yeah, yeah)

Fast lanes, switchin' lanes

Wit' a car up on my side (Woo!)

(C'mon) Passin' by is a school bus in front of me

Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream

Check my time, it's Friday, it's a weekend

We gonna have fun, c'mon, c'mon, y'all."

Peeta cursed Rebecca Black for inventing this terrible menace.

"It's Friday, Friday

Gotta get down on Friday

Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend

Friday, Friday

Gettin' down on Friday

Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend."

"SAVE ME LORD!" yelled Peeta

"Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)

Fun, fun, fun, fun

Lookin' forward to the weekend

It's Friday, Friday

Gotta get down on Friday

Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend

Friday, Friday

Gettin' down on Friday

Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)

Fun, fun, fun, fun

Lookin' forward to the weekend."

Peeta finally lolled. But a worse torture was to come.

A/N: Review with ideas. There will be nine more tortures…

(lyrics from )


	2. 9: Twilight

_**A/N: Don't read if you are a Twilight fan, but don't flame either. Skip the chapter. For everybody else, here it is! Poor Peeta has to read Twilight:(**_

_**9: Twilight**_

President Snow paced his library. He plucked a book from the shelf. Twilight. He smiled. This will break him, thought Snow. He took the other three in the 'saga' and, for good measure, took the films as well.

Peeta, strapped to the chair, was thinking about his next torture. Perhaps Snow would electrocute him? Waterboarding? Drown him? Knife him? Peeta's heart stopped as he saw what the president was carrying. No, couldn't be possible. Nobody would ever force somebody to read Twilight. That was just inhumane. President Snow dumped the books in front of Peeta. Peeta picked the first one up.

"If you don't read these, I will personally set up an audio book of it and play it non-stop in your cell," Snow said.

He slid the DVD in the slot. Peeta, with a heavy heart and a fearful expression, picked up Twilight and began to read.

Four hours later.

Snow was sobbing, having seen the end of Eclipse.

"She should have chosen Jacob!" he sobbed," Not Edward! Team Jacob forever!"

Yep, President Snow is a twitard. Probably the only Twilight fan in Panem. It's secretly known that he only burned 12 down because none of them had heard of Jacob Black.

Just before 12 gets destroyed.

"How's the best way to play this?" Snow asked an advisor.

"Give them a chance to surrender, or they'll burn in hell," the advisor replied.

Snow seized the microphone and spoke to the citizens of 12,

"PEOPLE OF 12! YOU CAN GO FREE..."

Cautious jubilation...

"IF YOU CAN TELL ME WHO JACOB BLACK IS!" finished Snow.

A 12 citizen managed to get a link to Snow after a few tries, one which ended up at a very unamused President Coin and 13, who thought an attack was coming.

"WHO THE HELL IS JACOB BLACK?" he demanded.

President Snow gasped in horror.

"DESTROY THEM!" he yelled.

And that's how 12 was destroyed.

Back in Peeta's torture , he began to jerk in pain.

Peeta was desperately trying to say something abusive about the saga, but the gag stopped him. He sadly resumed New Moon. Almost immediately, he submitted to the agony.

Twelve hours later.

Peeta was jerking so much he could hardly read the last pages of Breaking Dawn. He finally collapsed. President Snow gasped.

"How can you not like Twilight?" he demanded.

Peeta replied.

"Because it's crap, and the worst written book ever," he replied.

Snow's eyes flashed, and he would have leapt at him, but calmed down and evilly grinned.

"You'll love the next torture, Baker Boy," he said.


	3. 8: Justin Beiber

****_**A/N: Sorry about the wait. So without further ado,Eaglistic is proud to present Chapter Three, or number eight in the tortures... it's Justin Bieber!**_

_**8:Justin Bieber**_

Snow scrolled down his contacts. Evil Freak Enterprises, Panem Torture Methods Inc, etc. Snow smiled. Justin Bieber!

"OMP I'm so excited! Justin Bieber!" he squealed.

Yep, Snow likes all the crap stuff. A beliber through and through. Snow texted his hero, and Bieber agreed to give Peeta a concert.

A few hours later

Peeta sat, bored. Suddenly, a cloud of dry ice filled the cell. Peeta tried to cover his eyes, but his hands were tied to the chair. A teenage girl appeared to walk in.

"Hi," said the 'girl'," My name's Justin Bieber."

"That's a weird name for a girl," Peeta said.

Bieber jumped.

"I'M NOT A GIRL! I'M GONNA TELL MY MUMMY YOU SAID THAT!" he squealed.

"Dude, you sound like a Capitol person who's high on crack," Peeta said.

"NASTY BOY!" squeaked Bieber.

"Yep," said Peeta.

"I'm going to sing you a song, because I'm a nice boy"

Bieber said.

"NOOOOOOO!" Peeta yelled," NOOOOO! WHAT DID I DO LORD?"

At that moment, Snow waltzed in, kitted out in I LOVE BIEBER gear. He'd delayed Bieber on his way, insisting that the 'girl' sign his T-shirt and various other things.

"OMG! I WANNA DO A DUET WITH YOU!" yelled Snow.

"OK," squealed Bieber," A 1,2,3!"

Peeta started to convulse as the evil duet began to sing.

"Baby, baby, baby, ooh! Baby, baby, baby-"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Peeta.

Snow walked over to him and fastened tape over Peeta's mouth.

The freaks began again. Peeta thrashed in his chair.

The song ended. Snow ripped the tape off.

"Did you like it?" asked Snow.

"NO!" yelled Peeta.

"HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME!" yelled Bieber.

Snow slit the bindings on Peeta and held him so Bieber could hit

the baker.

Peeta elbowed Snow in the stomach. He twisted and hit Snow in the face. The president fell to the floor. Bieber leapt at Peeta, who dodged and kicked Bieber in the face, breaking Bieber's nose. Bieber fell back onto a spike and died, making Peeta a hero with the Old Earth people. Snow crawled away, and Peacekeepers flooded the cell.


	4. 7:Vuvuzela

7: Vuvuzela

A/N: As the last movie of Twilight - one of the tortures on this list- comes out, I thought I'd give you good people two more chapters to ease the pain. Keep on reviewing!:)

Peeta awoke from a dark, horror-filled sleep to find President Snow in the cell - a nightmare in itself. President Snow saw he was awake and called to someone- a lot of someones.

The second thing Peeta noticed was the paint on the strange people's faces. The third thing he noticed was the strange things all of the people held. Then he saw them raise them to their lips and blow hard. A horrible noise filled the cell. Peeta managed to break free from his bindings.

He sprinted for the door. It was locked. And the vuvuzela people were closing in. Snow himself was playing one of the hated instruments of war. Peeta covered his ears as the vuvuzela people overwhelmed him...

A/N: Poor Peeta;(


	5. 6: Flames, Trolls and Belitards

6: Be Careful What You Say.

Snow had dumped a laptop in front of Peeta.

"Go to and write something!" ordered Snow.

Too tired to resist, Peeta nodded. Snow walked out.

Peeta sat at the laptop thinking what to write. Hmm... Reveal Snow's beliberness? First hand account of the Hunger Games? Wait... Peeta began to type.

Why the Capitol Talk Strangely.

A/N: I always wondered why the Capitol people talked strangely... and now I can reveal it!

A long long time ago, there was this retarded idiot called Justin Bieber. He had lots of fans who imitated his weird voice. These fans also tended to like Twilight. Their voices became so weird that normal people started to worry about them. Then, all these belitards(cross between a beliber and a twi-tard) went rabid and attacked people. They eventually started taking over the world by forcing people to watch Twilight or listen to Justin Bieber if they didn't surrender.

The belitards' worst weapon was a huge cannon that played Twilight and Justin Bieber songs at incredibly high volume. The belitards took over the USA and removed everybody by making them wear masks that played Twilight 24/7. This made everyone run. The belitards made Justin Bieber President, and every Capitol person is a descendant of the belitards. Snow is a descendant of Justin Bieber as well. Now that is the origin of the Capitol people.

PS: Crack was also involved. Lots of crack.

Peeta pressed 'Submit New Story'. His first story was now on . Ten minutes later, he got his first review.

"Yes! Somebody likes my story!" he yelled.

Five more reviews came in the next hour. Then, the horror arrived.

From: A Twilght Fan

I likez twilight, how dre u say it's bad! I is gonna hunt u down and kill u!

Ten reviews of that. Peeta couldn't quite decipher the Twilight fan's writing, but he got the point. His eyes started to burn at the mutilation of the English Language.

Then came an automated email. Apparently a Twilight fan had figured out how to report stories. Unfortunately, they still couldn't use spell check.

Abuse Report:

Dis guy doesn't lyk Twilight! He sez nasty things about it! He shud die111111111!

Peeta shook his head and facepalmed as another ten reports came flooding in. It was torture at its worst.

A/N: I know this chapter isn't as good, but I had to write it. Review please. Especially if you like the belitards:) I promise the next chapter will return to normal:)


	6. 5: One Pound Fish

5: Snow Sings One Pound Fish

Peeta sat on the chair. The torture chair. It really pissed him off. Ropes and chains. Total overkill. He looked around. There were a lot more Peacekeepers than usual. He wondered why. Then Snow waltzed in. That was the cue.

All the Peacekeepers withdrew fish from pockets. They then burst into song.

"One pound fish, one pound fish, very very good, it's a one pound fish!" sang the Peacekeepers in harmony.

Snow pushed to the front.

"Buy my two pound fish! Two pound fish! Very very good, a two pound fish!"

He closed in on Peeta.

The Peacekeepers followed Snow's lead.

"I DO NOT WANT TO BUY YOUR TWO POUND FISH!" yelled Peeta.

"Three pound fish! Three pound fish! Very very good it's a three pound fish!"

Peeta struggled. His binds held. Unfortunately for him


	7. 4: Da Prez And The Keepers

: Da Prez and The Keepers

A/N:. Apologies for not updating for ages. Updates will be faster from now on. Share and enjoy!

Another day, another torture, thought Peeta as he reluctantly awoke. He looked around as far as he could. No Peacekeepers, no President Snow, no nobody. That was strange. Peeta noticed that a stage had been set up though. He wondered which torture would come next.

President Snow was currently making a speech to Panem, his annual declaration in which new laws were made and old laws were abolished. The President's speeches were noted for their incredible dullness and their reputation for being crazy. In a poll of 'District Citizens' Most Hated Things', President Snow's speech came 2nd, after the man himself.

"So, The Hunger Games will be coming soon, like usual, and all that other stuff. The first new law is..."

Panem held its breath.

"Everyone has to watch Twilight before The Hunger Games!"

Panem started sobbing.

"A statue to remember Justin Bieber will be put up in the Capitol!"

That wasn't that bad. At least the tributes could vandalise it.

"One Direction songs will be streamed to every TV every day from your TV!"

This was what started the rebellion.

Snow grinned.

"Capitol rules, Districts suck! Now go back to your hovels!"

The President bowed, and walked through to Peeta's cell. He wanted to test out his latest rap. On the way, he picked up his band of Peacekeepers.

Unknown to the Districts, Snow was actually the lead singer in a band. This band was called 'Da Prez and The Keepers'. There were five Peacekeepers and President Snow in said band. The band's main instrument was a vuvuzela, played by Carius the Peacekeeper. Snow was excited. This was Da Prez and The Keepers' first live performance to a District citizen.

Peeta saw his door open and raised his eyebrows as Da Prez And Da Keepers came in, waving to non existent fans. The band took their places upon the stage. They readied their instruments. Then the third-most horrible sound in the universe was unleashed.

"Yeah! I am da President of Panem! Killin' District scum is just what I do! If you argue against me, you'll die too!"

Peeta stared in horror at Snow. Not even Snow could sing that badly. Had the President had lessons from Bieber?

"I like roses, they totally kick ass! Call me a pansy and I'll put some in your glass!"

Peeta decided that Bieber must have given his voice to Snow.

"Happy happy hunger games!" yelled the band in unison, apart from Carius, who had not stopped blowing the vuvuzela, which he'd been doing since the start.

"Blood and fear, so much fun! 23 tributes will never see the sunnnnn!"

The accompaniment was rising to a crescendo. A Peacekeeper was hitting a drum like a stress ball, while another was making his electric guitar squeal like a dead cat. Peacekeeper no.3 was smashing cymbals randomly, while no.4 was just plucking at a double bass furiously.

"Who's to blame! Who is the one who started the flame?" yelled Snow.

Peeta puzzled over those lyrics before deciding that it was Snow. Anything goes.

"It's the totally awesome, epic, amazing Prez! That's what he says! Obey him!" finished the President.

Peeta would have sighed with relief. But Snow pulled out a CD and put it on infinite loop. The band bowed, and strutted off to their gig in the Capitol, leaving Peeta to suffer in silence.

A/N: Read and review guys please, and apologies for the incredibly slow update. PS: 10 epic points to anybody who spotted the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy reference in the first A/N.


	8. 3: Dora Dora The Explorer!

7: Dora

A/N: Dedicated to all ye tortured by watching this show. To everybody, the Mary-Sue chapter comes next!

President Snow tapped away at his computer. He was in a great mood. Firstly, Da Prez And The Keepers had become a Capitol sensation, outselling One Direction and Justin Bieber. Secondly, a technician had managed to upload his Dora DVDs to the President's computer. President Snow sat back and enjoyed the latest episode.

The President felt that something was missing. He needed a companion to watch Dora with. Peeta Mellark came to mind. Snow remembered that a Dora DVD had actually been found on the site of Peeta's first home. Snow had had no qualms about blasting it out of the ground - he hadn't watched that episode yet! Come on!

Snow took his computer along to Peeta's cell and set it up with the large screen that had previously been used to display Twilight. The Dora DVD home screen popped up. Peeta quavered. He could tell already that this would be yet another dreadful experience.

President Snow hit the play button. The screen lit up further as the first DVD began to play.

"Dora, dora the explorer!" sang a bright, annoying tone.

Peeta saw a random cartoon girl appear on screen with a strange creature that looked nothing like a monkey accompanying it. President Snow squealed and sang along like a little girl.

Peeta tried to put his hands over his ears, but only managed to move his handcuffs a little bit. He resigned himself to his fate as the first Dora DVD started.

President Snow focused hard on the Spanish words. Of course, nobody in Panem knew the words were Spanish, but Snow wanted to learn them anyway. Snow clapped as a random dancing purple backpack appeared on screen.

If Peeta could've spoken, he would have shouted at the screen: "We know you're a backpack! Shut up already!"

Unfortunately, it came out as a muffled incomprehensible jumble of words, thanks to the gag. The backpack continued its song. Peeta thrashed as much as he could thrash with his bindings. Snow was singing along, and Peeta couldn't decide who was worse - Snow or Backpack.

Next, a map came up on the screen. Peeta did not know maps had eyes, but this one did, rather weird eyes as well. Maybe it was a special species of map. This map promptly began another annoying song, following in Backpack's footsteps. Only this consisted of one line,"Who's the map, the map the map?" followed by "I'm the map, the map, the map! Say it again!", repeated endlessly. Peeta watched as the map disappeared and more horrors appeared.

"1 hour left!" Snow announced cheerfully," Oh, and the rest of my collection!"

Peeta stared at a colossal heap of Dora DVDs. Then he crumpled as Snow continued to grin happily and watch Dora.

A/N: Short, I know. I'm mainly focusing on the longer Mary-Sue chapter, coming your way soon


	9. Chapter 9: Mary Sue

8: Rosa Sparklina Marie Susan Goldina ( Mary Sue Chapter)

President Snow perused the state-run Panem Times. He was looking for a specific advert. Snow turned the page, and his eyes were accosted by pink sparkles and flowers.

"Perfect," Snow thought as he read the ad.

Peeta was in a relatively good mood. Not a brilliant mood, but as good as you would get when you were being tortured by an insane beliber president. However, all this was about to change.

President Snow tapped a number into his phone. Some awful techno music played, followed by some awful pop music, and then he was put through.

Rosa Sparklina Marie Susan Goldina stopped talking to her friend Isabella Mary Sue Swan as her pink phone rang. She answered it, thinking it was an adoring fan. It wasn't.

"Oh, President Snow. What can I do for you?"

"Peeta Mellark is in trouble."

"OMG! Not Peeta! Team PeetaSparkles all the way!"

So the Mary Sue magically transported herself in a way well documented in many Peeta/OC stories, but unknown to the rest of us. But we are just mortals, where as Mary Sues live as long as there are /OC stories. Anyway, on with the story.

Pink sparkles and magic filled Peeta's cell as the Mary Sue entered. He stared at her, and she gave a laugh(beautiful, of course) and looked at her target/love.

Rosa Sparklina Marie Susan Goldina was perfect in every way. She had lustrous colour changing hair, which changed between gold and red and every colour, and eyes which changed colour. Of course, all the boys loved her, and everyone wanted to be her, because she was so perfect.

"Who the hell are you?" enquired Peeta," Not another Mary Sue? I'm sick of them. You'll be the 1234th one."

"I am Rosa Sparklina Marie Susan Goldina," said Marie Susan.

"Why God why?" Peeta despaired.

"But Peeta, I am your true love and your saviour."

"If you are my true love, my life sucks," said Peeta," I call suicide pill!"

"I am perfect and amazing," said Marie Susan, wondering why her powers were not working.

Peeta would've agreed, if he hadn't been exposed to 1233 other Mary Sues before hand. Her skin was as white as fresh snow, her lips as red as coral, her... aren't you sick of these metaphors yet? Peeta was seriously near to breaking. Every Mary Sue brought him nearer to the edge. Peeta decided to go with a bang.

"No, I hate you. You're a selfish, overly perfect bitch, and that goes for all of your Mary Sue friends," said Peeta.

The Mary Sue couldn't withstand that much criticism, and went into a rage which made her explode. The dose of Mary Sue essence finally finished Peeta. He snapped.

"Da dadadada V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!" sang Snow," Jingle bells, 13 smells, the districts ran away! District Twelve lost its soul, because I bombed it to the ground! Hey!"

The victory celebrations had been going on for two hours. Snow had ordered a giant gift wrapped box to put Peeta in and drop him in with lots of roses, because roses were so current. Snow was writing cards for all of 13.

_Dear Katniss Everdeen._

_Happy getting your boyfriend back totally broken and totally mental day!_

_From President Snow_

_PS: You suck._

_Dear Gale Hawthorne_

_Cough up the cash, buddy._

_From the badass Pres Snow._

_Dear Plutarch_

_Eat that, sucker!_

_From the way more awesome President Snow._

_Dear Coin_

_You fail. _

_Sincerely, Snow._

_PS: We are never, ever, getting back together!"_

_Dear Beetee_

_Nerd._

_From Snow._

_PS: Try getting Peeta back now, sucker!_

Snow finished his cards, and ordered the gift box to be sent. He cackled evilly. President Snow's Torture Methods had succeeded.

**A/N: It's the end:( But I'm not leaving the fandom, I'll be back with a different story, likely humour, so watch this space.**

**I'd like to say thank you to everybody who favourited, followed and reviewed. I couldn't have done it without you. **

**Eaglistic, signing off.**


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